Change
“Change is Sharp. Change is sudden. Change is also unexpected.”
The sharper the pain or journey was, the more certain the change was. It has always been a part of our lives and consciously or subconsciously, we have always had to embrace it one way or another. Regardless of how much we may have loved or resented that change, or how much we tried to forget about it, it was always there like a haunting memory.
Remember when you fell and cut your skin? Or that one mark on your back from when you grazed as a child? It would have hurt so bad when you were younger but as you got older, it faded away slowly, yet it somehow serves as a reminder forever about your experiences.
And it may have even affected the way you do everyday things, such as how you always subconsciously check for sharp items or rocks whenever you take your younger siblings to play or how you move heavy objects away from you during your workouts.
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For me, the cuts from playing near the huge rocks that decorated the side of my driveway marked the start of my childhood. It began the era of petty fights and dramatic “running away from home” scenarios only to run back inside for lunch and my favourite TV show. Memories of running off with my cousins to steal desserts when the adults weren’t looking or perfecting the best distraction to make sure each other got out of trouble.
It also changed me to realise that my life’s priorities were to excel in school and not feel out of place in a family of highly respected individuals. To honour my family and ancestors. Yet by the end of it, I was living my best life being surrounded by my loved ones and making memories to tell our nieces and nephews in 10 years.
Then came the sting of isolation and confusion as everything changed and I moved to Australia. At first, I didn’t even register the reality of the situation and was celebrating the newfound freedom and a whole new country to explore and experience.
“Somehow, I had missed the part where they explained to me that a stamp on an immigration paper didn’t signify that we were welcome to this country. ”
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We quickly realised that we were on our own and that we had no choice but to make it on our own. Our parents were working day and night to support us and give us good education and hoping that those environments would give us opportunities to find peace and acceptance in a world that wasn’t nice to them. It was expected that we never told them about the hardships of feeling out of place even as a child and honestly I was completely okay with it. Until I wasn’t (so dramatic and for what).
As grateful as I was for everything I was fortunate to have, I felt so lost and upset. I felt irrational fear and anger as everything that made sense as a carelessly free child began to feel like brick walls that refused to let me see the truth.
“Time slowed down and I realised I needed to escape and in that moment, it didn’t matter how. ”
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Hence, blades marked the beginning of another change in my life- the pinnacle of my mental health struggles. It was all about survival no matter which way I turned and survive I did. I learned to survive through numbness and it truly was effective until I began to crave some type of feeling to remind me that I am alive.
I would do anything I could to get hurt and it was addicting to overwhelm my body over and over until it failed me. A terrible idea everyone, self-harm definitely wasn’t an efficient investment and it never will be. All I have now is a piercing disgust every time I see the brand of blades I used or just utter disappointment every time I come across the things I used to do.
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Didn’t take long for me to understand how physically non-viable it was to continue my habits and then struck another change that included yet unsurprisingly another sharp object- scissors. In an attempt to embrace the inconsistency in my life, I decided to obsess over my power of creating temporary changes in a world where I didn’t even have a say.
See, cutting my hair and giving myself questionable appearances was not the girl boss move I thought it was, but nevertheless, it worked so well. It distracted me from the downward spiral that is my mental stability and it was helping me to hoist myself over the rails of restraints I experienced my whole life.
I made more mistakes than I know numbers and the stigma surrounding mental health, especially in ethnic communities never made it easier for me. They never let me forget about my past. I wasn’t healing during this change, but I was definitely changing.
“Funniest and the most valuable transition in my life that singlehandedly saved my life. ”
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Although you will read this on a screen, I am entering a new phase of change and this time, it’s with a pen. Just like how pens may be sharp or blunt, there is no consistency or promise in this journey of healing and I am so not okay with that. But writing these down somewhere is a form of declaration to myself or someone that in a life of inconsistencies, change is the only constant.
I want to slowly but surely write out my experiences that society deems to be “stupid” or “TMI” but you know, a girl gotta do what she gotta do. Don’t blame yourself for your past.
“Your survival is more important that the destination.”
Embracing your past doesn’t ever equal shaming it or regretting it. It shaped you up to be the strong person you are today. The mistakes of yesterday shaped you be to be stronger tomorrow. Today is for living, it’s for reflecting, it’s for being nicer to yourself.
