unlearning & un-labelled

“Tick the box if you identify as a member of the LGBTQ+ community”

This sentence was a turning point in my life. I remember sitting at my desk, staring at that sentence for what felt like an eternity from a scholarship application at 10pm. Did I identify as a member of the community? I considered myself as an ally, but a member?  

At the age of fifteen- the age which the world glorified to be the time of exploration and discoveries- I was hit with the reality of having to choose something. Something I didn’t have the time to discover. Something I didn’t have the courage to discover, given my circumstances.

I was the eldest daughter of an immigrant family. Time wasn’t my friend. Freedom was a forbidden lover. Failed expectations and disappointments were the only presence in my life. Sure, I was a handful for my family and community.

They weren’t used to a girl voicing herself and going against every societal expectation of a woman. I was the girl parents pointed to as the definition of what their daughters shouldn’t be.

“So long story short, my life was the hellfire of the wraths and gossip of the community. I didn’t mind though; I loved the bittersweet feeling of doing what I wanted to do even with hatred being spewed my way. ”

I was brought up in a conservative household and community too, so without doubt, I was constantly working and learning to better educate myself about the world I was so suddenly exposed to when I moved to Australia. Everybody was open about their sexuality and I didn’t even know about anything other than heterosexual relationships until mid 2010’s.

Something was stopping me from going beyond the labels the world had given me. I could feel my mind getting conflicted every time someone mentioned identities and saying “I’m straight” just didn’t roll nicely from my tongue. When others asked me about boyfriends and future husbands, I had to fight the urge to correct them.

I was scared. I didn’t want to admit, but I was terrified. I didn’t want my whole life to change after I “came out”. I feared that there was no going back if I actually explored my sexuality. Because I knew the answer deep down, it was only a matter of accepting it. I knew that I didn’t care about gender or any forms of identity, if I loved them then I loved them. Nothing more nothing less. Yet here I was slaving my mind away on endless hours of questioning and overthinking.

The fact that I was a brown woman didn’t make the journey of letting go of those pre-labels and just identifying as unlabeled any easier. Community was everything in the culture I grew up in. you belonged to something. There was the question of what community I belonged to.

“I didn’t feel like I belonged in the LGBTQ+ community, even though I had already identified as an asexual. I understood what I felt, but none of those discoveries had let me feel like I belonged to that community. ”

I didn’t feel the need for a community in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love this community and will always fight for it. But I didn’t belong in there. Every time I had confided in someone from the community about these experiences, they had always been so caring and tried their best to make me feel included. They were so inviting and supportive, but I knew deep down I didn’t like leaving myself to the exclusivity of one label.

I didn’t want to be named as anything. I had time. I needed time. Even in 30 years, I could still be figuring it all out. Nobody told me that when I was struggling at fifteen years old because I felt so lost in a world forcing me to be things I didn’t even know if I belonged to. I was sick and tired of feeling like I was changing my answer every other day because my head just couldn’t wrap around the concept of sexuality.

And honestly? It’s completely okay. Its okay to be unlabeled. You don’t need to have labels on anything. Its your life. People come and go and leave their opinions with you. Labels are a choice. They are your choice. It doesn’t matter where you are in your life’s timeline, you can be questioning things. You can be exploring and discovering at 50 years old bestie.

“Life and feelings are too complicated to have them all figured out in just a few decades. ”

If you wanted to suddenly identify as unlabeled after years of being a bisexual, you are valid. If you spend your entire lifetime not knowing or understanding what you felt and identify as unlabeled, you are valid. We are not trying to create a “new sexuality” or “struggling to pick a side”, we are just trying to be where we feel most safe and comfortable.

I felt overwhelmed by these feelings and the burden of being told to at least identify as something while I’m figuring it out. I had people tell me that I identify as unlabeled because I was afraid to come out or that I was internally homophobic. No that wasn’t the case. I just liked the comfort of not having labels. They never worked for me anyways so why try so hard to make them work now? I felt safe and the most myself here.

Should I ever change my mind and put a label on myself, everything I felt and experienced beforehand were valid. I would still love and accept my identity. My sexuality has nothing to do with who I am as an individual. Though this is a very niche demographic that I will truly resonate with, I know there are lots of people who feel the same.

I had to make a lot of hard decisions so that mental health wouldn’t be compromised. I had to cut people out. I had to change my boundaries. I had to accept my own feelings.

“I had to unlearn that internalized homophobia. I had to unlearn the fear. ”

Your feelings are valid. Your experiences are valid. Those who force labels on you or force you “pick something” aren’t the ones for you. They are not for your journey. Take this journey at your pace and everyone and everything else will follow.